5 things we secretly didn't want to know
by Jsn
Summary: Again, the title explains pretty much everything :  Meant to be fun and sarcastic, so take a look : . Rated T to be sure, but it isn't that bad


**5 things we secretly didn't want to know.**

**Charlie mentioning a sex talk**

Seriously, Charlie is now ruined forever. Gone is his innocence. I will never be able to look at his moustache again. It's tres tres horrible. In my world, charlie would never ever have to be forced to talk, or even think, about sex. It totally does NOT suit him! He was my hero, my happy something, my grumpy little fatherfigure. And now he's none of that. The second I figured out what he was talking about, he outgrew his cute status. Charlie is a man now. Amen.

**Werewolfes apparantly imprint on toddlers.**

Does anyone else here thinks that's just totally gross? I mean, how many pedophiles get locked up for that? But I guess in werwolfe-land it is okay to stalk little children every night and day until they're old enough to be legally involved. I admit that they just want to take care of the kids, and in someway it's kinda cute, but really? Jacob didn't even want to let Bella spend time with her own daughter, for godsake! It's getting a little out of hand right there. Before you know it, they have started a whole community existing of 30+ men with their 3+ girlfriends. Ok, stop it. Let's just say it is a real weird world out there.

**Carlisle is attracted to bleeding, broken women with suicidal thoughts.**

Yeah, I think we all know the story of Carlisle and Esme. She lost her baby, wanted to end her life by diving off a cliff and instead get's bitten in her crushed neck and turns into a vampire. How lovely. Well, it really is a cute story, as long as you don't try to visualize it. But still, what the fuck was Carlisle thinking? When he found Esme, she was probably just one big bleeding mess, but I guess it turns him on extremely well. Yeah. At least for now, they are one of the cutest pairs ever. Let's stick with that.

**Alice sees everything.**

Does everybody remeber the part in 'Breaking Dawn', when Bella suddenly realises she's probably pregnant? She realised it by something Alice had put in her toiletbag (I can't remember what it was again, pills or something?) and it makes you think like 'ah, how thoughtful of Alice, what a great gift that she could see this happening!'. Then does it occur to anyone what exactly she saw happening? Because if you think it through, she probably foresaw the whole sex-on-an-island-thing as soon as Bella made Edward promise to do that. I feel very sorry for Alice, since it apparantly got all steamy and hot in there, if afterwards the bed was wrecked. Let's just hope she won't keep tabs on them in the future, to avoid anymore of such things.

**Hygiene, please!**

This fact is short, but shockening. When edward returns from hunting, he makes out with Bella. Without. Cleaning. His. Mouth. EW. Can you even imagine how their conversation will be?

_'Oh Edward, you're so wild, you kiss like an animal.'_

_'Thanks, babe.'_

_'No, I mean it. I can taste the hairs of your last meal.'_

And I seriously would not want to be in her shoes. And if you think, 'Well, maybe he did wash himself after hunting', you might be right. But again, in Breaking Dawn, Bella and Edward go hunting together, and they still make out right afterwards. Fact proven. And don't us girls just swoon of the thought of them kissing? Tasting blood, and hairs, and maybe some piece of bone somewhere. Yum. See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya.

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**Author's note:**

**Hey people :)**

**After 2746653658685billion years of not-updating, I am back. It was meant as some sort of follow-up to my first story, but I don't know it it's quite as good. I have the feeling most of it sounds a bit too harsh and sarcastic, so please know it wasn't meant to be like that. Just something funny to make me look alive again :). And second, I've wanted to do 10, but I have lost my imagination somewhere so I could only make up 5. Sorry! But I really want you guys to know that your reviews on my first story really made me smile, and they seduced me to write this one. So thank you, if you were one of the few who took the time to read and comment on that one :D Because you all make my day :D. And I'd like it a lot of anyone R&R'd this one too, *hint hint***

**Thanks for reading! And know I will love you from afar :)**

**x**


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